Afraid of Loving You

Photo source: quotegram

I'm afraid of loving you,
Not because I'm bad at love
Or because I won't bend
Over backwards to be happy.
But because of how comfortable and safe I feel when you hold me
I'm afraid of loving you, because
I realize that before you I didn't really know what it meant to be in love.

I didn't have the best example growing up, my mother used the word love just so she didn't have to face the harsh reality of what it feels like to be alone.
What it feels like to have your
Heart torn into pieces and fall to ashes at your feet.

I'm afraid of loving you, because loving you is probably the easiest and
scariest choice I have ever had to make.
Loving you is like a cup of warm coffee or, like reading my favorite book.
Loving you is peaceful.
I'm afraid of loving you, because I don't know how to love you the way you love me.

I've had my heart broken somany times by so many different people that
I somehow forgot what it's like to be loved the way that you love me.

Your love is so gentle,
Your love is like comfortable
conversation around a campfire
surrounded by all of your favorite people, your love is as warm
As the sun, your love is the
purest form and I don't
always know how to give you the
same amount of love back.

I'm afraid of loving you, because I don't always know how to love myself, and they say that before you can love someone else you need to learn how to love yourself.
And the truth is, I don't always love
myself, I hate my frizzy hair, and
I hate how I always complain about
the simplest things.
I'm afraid of loving you, because you think I'm beautiful even when I don't see it myself.

You tell me that I'm imperfect, and that's okay, because it simply makes me human. I love how you don't set an unimaginable standard of who
I am supposed to be, you just accept me for who I am.
I'm afraid of loving you, because it's hard for me to accept a new form of standard.

All the boys before you had this unimaginable standard of what beauty is and how I had to look a certain way. I would constantly compare myself to girls who were prettier than me wondering how the got their hair so straight or, how the got their face so clean and blemish free, I was so afraid to be myself that it made me hate who I was.

And my mother didn't make me feel any better, she just confirmed and solidified what everyone else said.
I'm afraid of loving you, because
I feel like you don't know the real me, which isn't true. It's just that voice inside my head telling me all these horrible things and I try to shut it up, but anxiety is a vicious thing and it's not the easiest thing to deal with.

I'm afraid of loving you, because I don't understand why or how you could love someone who is so broken and haunted by her childhood trauma. I don't understand how you could love someone so strongly, so ready to fight any battle that the world decides to throw at us.

I wish all my examples as a kid were that kind of love, but my mom threw herself at any guy willing to give her the time, and my sister found love and lost it the same way my mom did. But then I looked at my grandparents who have been married for 40 and 50 years and wondered how they managed to get it right.

The ones that have been married for 40 years had to fall in and out of love a couple dozen times before they got it right. And I realize that I had to do the same thing to get to you.

I realize I'm afraid of loving you, because I know that I will never have to search for love again. I won't have to bend over backwards to be happy, because you make me happy just by being who you are. And when I stare into your big blue eyes, I know I'm home.

When I feel for you and it didn't work the first time, I realized I just wasn't ready and I had to have one more heartbreak before I could really love you. And I realize I was never afraid of loving you, I was afraid of losing you. You are my forever home, and I'm okay with that.