You Didn’t See

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Well here I am
Sitting on my bathroom
Floor again because your
Words sent me spiraling
Farther than I've ever
Been, I'm laying at
The bottom of this
Rabbit hole wondering what
I did wrong this time

Cause at 23 you
Say I have no
Real life experience
When the truth is
Somewhere in that
Twisted mind of yours
You still see me
As just a kid,
A kid who doesn't
Understand what you had
To go through in
Order to make me
Who I am

You tell me I
Don't understand what it
Was like for you
To grow up with
The parents who not
Only raised you, but
Raised me too

What you don't understand
Is people make mistakes
And good people don't
Let those mistakes define
Who they are on
The inside

What you don't see
Is the amount of
Tears grandma and grandpa
Have cried over you
Being consumed by your
Mistakes and not learning
How to do better,
How to be better

What you don't see
Is how much your
Addiction and untreated mental
Illness has destroyed your
Life so you feel
The need to tear
Apart mine, when all
I ever wanted was
For you to be
Proud of the life
I created for myself

And when all I
Wanted was for you
To love me unconditionally
What you don't see
Is how bad that
Hurts me

I might not understand
What made you who
You are, but you
Don't understand me either

You don't understand that
My childhood home was
The scariest place for
Me to be, it
Was filled to the
Brim with gouhls and
Goblins who scared me
So much all I
Wanted to do was
Throw the covers over
My head and hide
Away forever

What you didn't see
Was the man you
Let sleep in our
Living room touched me
In ways a 5 year-old
Girl should never be
Touched, you didn't
See the way my
Body trembled when you'd
Help me get dressed
You just hit me
And told me to
Stop, when you questioned
If someone touched me
You didn't see the
Plea in my eyes
When I told you
No, you just assumed
I was telling the
Truth

What you didn't see
Is how everyone in
That town judged me
Because of the color
Of my skin, you
Didn't stick up for
Me when they called
Me "White Girl", and
You never explained to
Me why they all
Hated me for something
I didn't do

What you didn't see
Is why I never
Spoke my mind because
I was terrified you
Would hit and ridicule
Me for standing up
For myself and when
I was finally free
Of those people and
That place and you
I saw the sun
For the first time
And it was beautiful

But because of you
And your abuse, I
Feared life and all
It had to offer
I've had my heart
Broken by so many
Wrong people because I
Thought that was the
Kind of love I
Deserved, I wasn't prepared
For the good kind
And when it came
Along I messed it
Up for 4 years
Before I realised he
Was what I needed

You didn't see how
Heartbroken I was or
How hard it was
To get out of bed
I put on a brave
Face for the world
That only true friends
Can see through

It took 4 really
Bad relationships and even
Worse self-love to realise
I deserved better then
What you gave me
You see the universe
Doesnt care how old
You are or how
Old your supposed be
For it to teach you
A lesson, its about
Knowing what you need
In order to grow
As a person, but
Mother dearest you didn't
See that either, did you?